Three Years: Lessons Learned and Learning

Sunday was the three year anniversary of my surgery.  Here is what I know:

*  Having weight loss surgery was and is still today the best decision I have ever made for myself and my health.

*  Having weight loss surgery is not a miracle cure for the disease of obesity.

*  Having weight loss surgery is not the best choice for everyone, but it is for me.

*  You can still gain weight after weight loss surgery.

*  You can still lose weight after gaining weight after weight loss surgery.

*  I will live with this disease for the rest of my life.  But it does not define my life.

*  Sugar free cherry jello does not taste anything like Doritos. 

*  Doritos don't taste that great compared to how I felt when I bought my first pair of Gap jeans. 

*  Dating doesn't get any easier when you weigh less.  If anything, it kind of gets a bit more confusing.

*  Losing weight does not solve every problem I have in life, nor does it make life any easier to live.

So, three years ago, I made the decision to take control of my life.  I prepared, I researched, I studied up.  I listened to the advice of a great team of doctors and professionals.  I drank nothing but liquids for three weeks.  I exercised. I ran in public for the first time in my life. I gave up diet coke, fast food, cigarettes, bread, cake, chips and feeling sorry for myself.  I twirled in dressing rooms, in the smallest sizes I had ever worn.  I celebrated.  I fell in love. 

The last year or so has been challenging.  My professional life has taken a few turns that haven't been great or anticipated.  My personal life can best be described as a roller coaster. I turned 40. I started smoking again.  I stopped exercising.  I put the cute dresses in the back of the closet so I wasn't reminded of my failure.  I bought bigger sizes. I spent a lot more time than I should have with the wrong person just because he didn't challenge me to change.  I figured out how to get around my restrictive pouch, and I've put on about 30 pounds. 

So, a week ago, I made the decision to take control of my life.  Again.  I completed the five day pouch test.  Two days of liquids, two days of mushy protein, one day of soft protein. I have definitely noticed that the restrictive nature of my pouch has returned.  I have recommitted to eating in the manner that my wonderful team of doctors, nutritionists, trainers and therapists recommend:  protein first, liquids all day, simple carbs only and no snacking.  I threw out the half pack of smokes I keep for 'emergencies' and put on the nicotine patch.  I've started working with a trainer.  I'm working the program, as they say in so many smoke filled church hall basement meetings. 

I don't know if I will get to where I want to go.  I don't know if that is as important as getting back to the place where I feel in control and confident that I am living the best life I can.  I have this one body, and I can take care of it.  It may never be perfect, and this three year journey may never be complete.  But I'm back on the road.  And that is good enough for now.

Happy Pouch-iversary!

Well, I suppose a picture is worth a thousand words. So, I'll let these speak for themselves.

My year by the numbers:

* 109 pounds lost

*10 pant sizes smaller

* 12 shirt sizes smaller

* 2 miles run on average every day

* Blood pressure: 112 over 74

* Cholesterol: 123

The past twelve months have been quite a journey. I've had incredible highs, and devastating lows. I've learned, and I've taught. And the biggest lesson? It is nowhere near over.

Progress Pics

So, I realized when I logged on that I had not posted since mid-April! Wow! Times flies when you are working out all the time, planning a golf tournament, applying for a leadership development program, dating, celebrating a birthday, riding your bike, planning a gala concert, playing trivia, going to the pool, and the many other activities that occupy my time these days.

It's been almost 1 year since the surgery. I'm down 109 pounds. That number, while impressive, I know, doesn't even begin to encompass the incredible changes that I've gone through in the past 12 months. These pictures, while impressive, don't even begin to illustrate how immensely different I feel about the way I look.

I will elaborate more (I promise) this weekend when I have more time. But, for now, thanks for reading along with me and the banana pouch.

A Funny Thing Happened at the Tapas Bar

On Sunday afternoon, I decided to grab a book and head down to one of my favorite restaurants in town. The speciality is tapas, and tapas are very pouch friendly. They've got a great selection of small plates, and delicious sangria. I just found out recently that the restaurant also does a 1/2 off happy hour on Sundays so I have decided that this particular restaurant is going to be my new house of worship.

I headed down with a book of short stories a friend recently gave me, the plan being to have a couple of glasses of sangria and a couple of small bites while enjoying my book. I settled in at the bar, got my drink, opened my book, and started to read. The bartender was very funny, and in a great mood; he had just gotten married so he was all about sharing the love.

A few minutes later, a guy sat down next to me at the bar. I kept reading. He asked me what I was reading. I told him. We chatted a bit; I went back to my book. A few minutes later, he tapped me on the shoulder and asked me a question about something I can't recall. We chatted a bit; I went back to my book. This went on for about 20 minutes; he'd ask me a question, I'd answer, go back to my book.

Then, he excused himself to the restroom. As soon as he turned the corner, the funny, sharing the love bartender practically jumped across the bar and said, "What the hell is that book about??? My boy here is throwing his best stuff at you, and you keep waving him on and going back to that book!"

I looked up, startled, and said, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"This guy is trying everything short of serenading you," says the bartender. "And you keep sticking your nose in that book! What the hell is it about?"

Turns out, the cute, funny, interesting architect/furniture designer/bartender sitting next to me had been hitting on me for about 30 minutes and I had absolutely no idea. None whatsoever. I was completely clueless. I've never been one to get a lot of attention sitting at a bar; I'm not trying to be maudlin or sympathy seeking. The reality of the world is what it is. So, when a lad sits next to me at a bar and asks me what I'm reading, my natural assumption is that he just wants to know what I'm reading. My head just doesn't go to the "Okay, he's totally hitting on me," assumption.

This is the toughest part of this process. I've worked really hard to change my body; I work out, I am ridiculously careful about what I eat, and I drink more water than a fish. Changing my mind and the way I think and feel about myself is infinitely, truly more difficult than any lap I've run, weight I've lifted or machine I've worked.

But, I'm going to keep reminding myself that it doesn't really matter how the rest of the world sees me. In truth, I guess it never really has. What matters is how I see myself.

And the rock rolls down the hill...finally!

So, this was the photo accompanying my last post:

I had been stuck at 98 pounds down for almost 6 weeks. I was working out 5-6 days a week, recording everything I ate, drinking my water, taking my vitamins, and generally following the program to the letter. Yet, the scale would not move. At all.

Well, friends, the bouder has moved. As of today, 8 months post-op, I am 101 pounds down.

Just to compare:

1st Day of pre-op Liquid Diet Today, 101 pounds lighter

I've also had my 6 (well, turned out to be 7) month follow up visit with my surgeon. My labs were fantastic. My cholesterol is actually low: 122, down from 139 last visit, which was down from 193 pre-surgery. Blood pressure was 117/68. All other vitals were normal. Normal. Hee.

Some other statistics:

* I am wearing jeans 10 sizes smaller than I was wearing 8 months ago, tops 9 sizes smaller, and I've gone down 8 band sizes and 2 cups sizes in bras. I'm even wearing smaller sized shoes.

* I exercise nearly everyday. I alternate cardio and strength training. On cardio days, I walk 2 miles, and complete 1 mile on the elliptical. I had been running (!) but my knee started hurting so I've backed off...for now. On the days when I can't because of scheduling or choose not to go to the gym, I work exercise in some other way. For example, yesterday I spent most of the day outside moving and painting deck furniture, cleaning, planting herbs and flowers, and walking. I've put a lot of pictures of myself on this blog and in most of them, I look pretty cute: hair done, makeup, and usually, a new outfit. I thought this picture would be a welcome, realistic addition to the Banana Pouch: this is what I really look like, after working out, at 6 a.m. Yes, that is sweat on my forehead at 6 a.m. Yes, it's still dark out.

* I haven't had a Diet Coke (or any soda) in 8 months.

* While I would love to say that I haven't smoked in 8 months, we all know that isn't true. BUT, I can say I haven't smoked in nearly a month.

To celebrate and mark the occasion of losing 100 pounds, I'm going to do a couple of things. First, of course, is the second part of my tattoo. I've decided to switch it up a bit; I'm not adding to the first one on my chest. Instead, I'm going to have the second word, Courage, placed in a location to be named later. I shall keep you posted.

Also, I'm going to organize a food drive with the goal being to donate 100 pounds of food to a local non profit that serves people who are homeless or otherwise in need. I'm still figuring out the details of how it will work, but I like the idea of donating food to people who don't have enough to eat to commemorate the accomplishment of learning to eat less.

As in past progress posts, I've done a little research on things that weigh what I have lost. My Aunt Donna really enjoys these, so for her, a List of Things that Weigh 100 Pounds:

* A Burpee Big Maxx Pumpkin, 70' diameter

* An adult male deer

* A 2 month old horse

* A Rotax aviation engine. Like for a plane. Seriously.

* A Hawkbill sea tortoise

I've learned a lot over the past eight months, and not all of it has been fun. I've worked hard, made my share of mistakes, but I wouldn't trade this journey for anything. Thanks for coming along with me, everyone. Stay tuned; this is just the beginning!

So Close!

I am two pounds shy of reaching the 100 pounds lost milestone. I have BEEN two pounds shy of reaching the 100 pounds lost milestone for two weeks. The scale will not move.

I have amped up my workouts considerably. I am now walking one mile and running the other. On alternate days, I walk 1/2 a mile, run 1/2 a mile and do the entire weight circuit. I have exercised everyday for the past three weeks. The scale will not move.

I am tracking all of my food using Livestrong.com. I am drinking water every waking moment of the day. I've kept my carbohydrate intake to less than 70 grams a day. My protein intake is at least 60 grams a day. I have faithfully taken my vitamins each day. The scale will not move.

I am frustrated but I am also sure that I am doing everything the way I should be. So, the scale will not move. Big deal. I am running. Me, running, in public with people. I haven't eaten fast food in almost 8 months. Me, who at one point ate all three meals from a sack in my car. I haven't had a diet Coke in almost 8 months. Me, who used to start the day with a 52 ounce gutbuster from Quik-Trip. I am wearing clothes that are 10 sizes smaller than the clothes I wore 8 months ago. Me, shopping in stores other than Lane Bryant.

So, even though the scale will not move in the right direction, I am.

Turn Around Time

So, I spent some time last night re-reading all of the blog posts here at Banana Pouch, starting with the very first one I posted the day I got the date for bariatric surgery. I looked at the pictures, still wondering if I really have lost all the weight that I have. As I read, I remembered being on the roller coaster of emotions before surgery, the planning, the hell of the two week liquid diet. I read about how I felt the first day I went back to the gym; how tired I got just walking the track a couple of times but also how great I felt just walking the track a couple of times. I remembered cleaning out my car, and being amazed at the lack of fast food bags, 32 oz. go cups of Diet Coke, empty cigarette packs, and crumpled bags of potato chips. I remembered how fantastic it felt when I walked into that dressing room at Old Navy and tried on those size 18 jeans and they were too big. I remembered the first time that someone said to me, "You look great! Are you losing weight?"

I needed to remind myself of all of these milestones for a couple of reasons. The first reason is that for the past 2 1/2 months or so, I haven't been following my plan very well at all. I started smoking again; of course, at first it was just at parties or out with friends. But, as it always does, it soon became a regular habit again and I found myself spending a lot of time sitting on the couch, lighting up again and again. I started feeling that familiar tightness in my chest when I tried to exercise so...I stopped exercising. And so the pattern began again. Wake up, smoke. Drive to work, smoke. Lunch break, smoke. Drive home, smoke. Couch and tv, smoke.

Now here is the good and bad thing: I am still losing weight. Good because, well, I'm still losing weight. The restrictive nature of my surgery is going to make me lose weight one way or another. Bad because, well, I'm still losing weight but I was not choosing to lead a healthy lifestyle. I felt the control that I had worked so hard to obtain start to slip away, and it was not a good feeling.

So, turn around time. I put the cigarettes down on Saturday. I picked my running shoes up again on Monday. I've started going to the gym in the morning before work so I don't have any excuses to not go after work. I DO NOT enjoy getting up at 5:30 but I hate it a whole lot less than going back to who I was before July 22, 2010.

I started slowly Monday, just walking. I was very afraid that after so much time away from exercise, I would be back where I was in July: in pain, out of breath, hardly able to do anything. But you know, our bodies are the damndest things. This morning, not only did I walk but I RAN. Not the entire two miles but a good portion of it; I would walk a lap, run a lap, walk a lap. I did two miles in 24 minutes. And I didn't feel like I was going to die. My body, despite not showing it much love over the past 80 days or so, got me through. It's an amazing thing.

So, it's turn around time. This are the things I am committing to do, and I'm putting them out there so I feel that I am accountable:

1. No smoking. Ever. I've learned I am not the kind of smoker that can have a couple at a party or a bar, and then not smoke again for three months. I'm the kind of smoker who has a couple at a party, and then buys a pack on the way home from the party. So, I am committed to no more cigarettes.

2. Find a way to get some kind of exercise in every day. Now, this may seem overly-ambitious, especially considering the lifestyle and amount of stress I tend to carry. However, I think it is feasible. Exercise doesn't have to be an hour at the gym. It can be a walk on my lunch hour, or a yoga video at home, or a quick walk around my neighborhood. I will try to get to the gym every morning, but if I can't, I am committed to finding an alternative exercise option.

3. Track my food, exercise and water intake everyday. I've started utilizing the Livestrong.com site for this, and it is fantastic. I really do recommend it for anyone who wants to pay more attention to what they are eating and how much they are moving. The site features a huge database of foods with complete nutritional information, including protein, fat, carbs and sodium. Plus, bonus, it's completely free. For those Weight Watcher veterans out there, it is very similar to the Weight Watchers Online site. Tracking my food intake has made a dramatic difference in what I choose to eat, and I'm committed to continuing to record the food I eat.

4. Make a six month follow up appointment with Dr. Hoehn. Some of you may have noticed that I've not reported the results of my six month follow up appointment with Dr. Hoehn. Well, that's because I haven't had it yet. The lab I went to lost my samples, so I've needed to make another appointment to have the labs redrawn. Now, I could blame it on Lab Corp or schedules or the universe but the truth is that I haven't been all too excited to get those results back this time around nor to see Dr. Hoehn. I know that the smoking combined with the decrease in physical activity has probably had an effect on my both my cholesterol and blood pressure. But, it's time to face the music. I am committed to making an appointment with my doctor today, and following up with him within the next month.

So, there you are. Some of you may be disappointed in me, but that's okay. Choosing to have surgery to lose weight is a decision that I will always be proud of, but it is not a pass to go back to the lifestyle I was leading prior to July 22, 2010. Thin, no matter who you are, doesn't mean anything if you aren't leading a healthy lifestyle. That, above all else, is what I am committed to.